I’m a 40 year old man
haven’t had a date in a year and a half
but my new girlfriend is a college freshman.
So hey baby ou do the math
She’s wise beyond her 18 years
and some say that I’m quite young for my age
So I would say we meet somewhere in the middle
Probably somewhere between 27 and 28.
 I stay in her dorm
I moniter her halls
And if she ever needs a note written to her professor
I whip out my big old ball point pen

I call her my Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big dorm daddy.
And when she does I say…

ANDY SPOKEN:
Baby, please don’t call me that. It creeps me out
 
I told her she looks like Molly
The girl from The Breakfast Club
She said, “I can’t wait to meet your friend Molly
and does your breakfast group serve blueberry pancakes ‘cause I love ‘em.
And I said oh yeah they sure do
with syrup and butter to spare
and you know what baby I think thatone day we’re gonna cross that bridge
as if that generation gap wasn’t there.
 
I call her Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big dorm daddy.
And when she does I say…

ANDY SPOKEN:
Baby, what’d I tell you about calling me that?
GIRL:
You said don’t
ANDY:
So why do you keep doing it? Are you pushing my buttons?
GIRL:
It’s a compliment.
ANDY:
In what way
GIRL:
I love my daddy
ANDY:
Well that’s what I don’t like about it. I don’t want to be compared to your daddy.
GIRL:
But you’re not. He’s a little younger...
ANDY:
Oh, oh, you know what...
GIRL:
And he’s...
ANDY:
Let’s just dance baby. Let’s waltz.
GIRL:
Who’s Walt
ANDY:
No dance
GIRL:
Like the bunny hop
ANDY:
No. Honey I wasn’t born in the 50’s. Damn you.
 
You don’t have school and I certainly ain’ts gots no class.
So let’s say we go back up to your dorm room
So I can study your astrophysics
 
I call her Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big cuddly dorm daddy.
And when she does I say…

ANDY:
Baby, you got to shut the fuck up with that shit.
GIRL:
Poo.

ALTERNATE ENDING:
ANDY:
Baby, you got to shut the ‘f’ up with that crap
GIRL:
OK.