1. |
My Fucking Space
01:07
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Leave a message after the tone
Wait a minute, this is not a phone
This is not a phone
Message or comment on my Myspace
With a pretty picture, of your pretty face
Your pretty pretty face
I won’t write you back ‘cuse I’m way too busy
I’ll have someone else do that and they’ll make you think it is me
Don’t get offended or make a sad face
What do you expect this is just my Effing space
And I hate it
But do please leave a message
After the tone
And don’t forget your phone number
I lost my cell phone
I dropped it
In your mother’s (bleep)
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2. |
Good Luck With That
02:44
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Hang out with me some people say
You might end up dead or worse gay
But I push semi-hard to get you to like me
Now I'm in your bedroom on your TV
And you can't turn me off or remote control that
Do I turn you on, good luck with that
Good luck with that, good luck with that
It says more about you than it does about me
If I threaten your precious sexuality
A straight line is quick from point B to point A
But with a curve in your dick you could go either way
Now we're in the restroom publicly and you want me to do it
Jorge Michaely, Jorge Michaely
George Michael wee!
What does it look like?
Looks like a pen light
Without the light shining out of the tip
Now that we're done and you go back to your wife
I'll let you run from my strange life
Do you blow dry your hands or use the rotating towel
Where ever it lands they're going to call a foul
You can go to the moon but you better come back
Before it waxes or wanes into a butt crack
Good luck with that, good luck butt with crack
What does it look like?
Looks like a pen light
Without the light shining out of the tip
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3. |
Dorm Daddy
02:51
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I’m a 40 year old man
haven’t had a date in a year and a half
but my new girlfriend is a college freshman.
So hey baby ou do the math
She’s wise beyond her 18 years
and some say that I’m quite young for my age
So I would say we meet somewhere in the middle
Probably somewhere between 27 and 28.
I stay in her dorm
I moniter her halls
And if she ever needs a note written to her professor
I whip out my big old ball point pen
I call her my Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big dorm daddy.
And when she does I say…
ANDY SPOKEN:
Baby, please don’t call me that. It creeps me out
I told her she looks like Molly
The girl from The Breakfast Club
She said, “I can’t wait to meet your friend Molly
and does your breakfast group serve blueberry pancakes ‘cause I love ‘em.
And I said oh yeah they sure do
with syrup and butter to spare
and you know what baby I think thatone day we’re gonna cross that bridge
as if that generation gap wasn’t there.
I call her Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big dorm daddy.
And when she does I say…
ANDY SPOKEN:
Baby, what’d I tell you about calling me that?
GIRL:
You said don’t
ANDY:
So why do you keep doing it? Are you pushing my buttons?
GIRL:
It’s a compliment.
ANDY:
In what way
GIRL:
I love my daddy
ANDY:
Well that’s what I don’t like about it. I don’t want to be compared to your daddy.
GIRL:
But you’re not. He’s a little younger...
ANDY:
Oh, oh, you know what...
GIRL:
And he’s...
ANDY:
Let’s just dance baby. Let’s waltz.
GIRL:
Who’s Walt
ANDY:
No dance
GIRL:
Like the bunny hop
ANDY:
No. Honey I wasn’t born in the 50’s. Damn you.
You don’t have school and I certainly ain’ts gots no class.
So let’s say we go back up to your dorm room
So I can study your astrophysics
I call her Peppermint Patty
She calls me her big cuddly dorm daddy.
And when she does I say…
ANDY:
Baby, you got to shut the fuck up with that shit.
GIRL:
Poo.
ALTERNATE ENDING:
ANDY:
Baby, you got to shut the ‘f’ up with that crap
GIRL:
OK.
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4. |
Look At Me
02:57
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Look at me
With my long hair
Look at me
Don't stare, don't stare
Look at me
With my big boots
Look at me
Run away from me
I am so good looking it kills me
I have long nails and breathe that is minty
I have very little hair on my body
I want to do to you things that are naughty
Look at me
With my green eyes
Look at me
You're all spies
You're spies
Look at me
With my skinny little neck
Look at me
Gregory Peck
Greg Peck
I gyrate, I vibrate, I concentrate, I masticate, I'm irate, I fascinate, I menstruate
I am so good looking it kills me
I have long arms and thights that are meaty
I have very little rhinoplasty
I want to do to you things that are nasty
Look at me
With my tatoos
Look at me
King of the Jews
Le Chaim
Those crazy Jews
Look at me
With my loose lips
Look at me
I'll sink your ships
You're fucking ships
The big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Look at me...
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5. |
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It’s another great day for drugs
The sun is shining bright
So pass the bong
And let’s all get high
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s raining hard outside
So pour the bee
Aand pass the bong
And let’s all get high
It’s another great day for drugs
My girlfriend’s cat just died
So eat some ‘shrooms
And pour the beer
And pass the bong
And let’s all get high
It’s another great day for drugs
The cops keep driving by
So snort a line
And eat some ‘shrooms
And pour the beer
And pass the bong
And let’s all get high
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
Loving you is very nice
But not as nice as drugs
Loving you is very nice
But not as nice as drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
It’s another great day for drugs
I think I’m going to die
So pop a lude
And mainline blow
And do some meth
And lick a toad
And snort a line
And eat some ‘shrooms
And pour the beer
And pass the bong
And let’s all just die
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6. |
The Air Down There
02:24
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As I stand here alone
What you see is my own
And I think every inch is divine
You may find it quite crude
That I stand in the nude
On the corner of Sunset and Vine
It’s an indelible fact
When I air out my crack
And my member waves in the wind
Through snow sleet and hail
Or a blustery gale
It helps keep my thingy thick skinned
I like when the air blows through my hair, down there
[You know what I’m talking about]
Oh what’s the purpose of clothes
Nobody knows
To appear more fancy less fat
Be happy with skin
It’s what we’re born in
And if you want to dress up wear a hat
I like when the air blows through my hair,
And if you should stare I really don’t care
‘Cuz I like when the air blows through my hair, down there
That’s right, down there…
There’s a dog barking, thanks
I don’t have any clothes on
You got all your clothes on
Are you saying you like my music?
Are you saying you don’t like my music?
Well eff you bitch!
Calling a dog a bitch
That’s legal
Down there..
Andy Dick mouth-raped me
It was a really bad scene
Lies!
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7. |
Murder Ballad #35
04:07
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If you loved me at all you would kill it
I can't take it any more
If you cared for me you'd do it
We've been down this road before
Champaign and cake and tangerines
Will never be enough
I have no need of fancy things
I'm not some powder puff
Have a black and tan if that won't do
Have a blood and sand and see it through
If you loved me at all you would show it
The ebb and flowing strains my heart
How many times must I tell you
I am the queen of brand new starts
My Sprawling lawn is like a world
Of tiny thin green trees
No one need know what lies below
Keep that twixt you and me
Have a black and tan if that won't do
Have a blood and sand and see it through
It's over baby
We're through, you're through, it's through...
It's dead, do you hear me
Dead as a door nail
Dead as a church mouse
Well, dead as a dead church mouse
It's dead in the water baby
Take it out back and shoot it 'cuz it's dead
Have a black and tan if that won't do
Have a blood and sand and see it through
If you loved me at all you would kill it
How you do it is up to you
Whether quiet or loud Deutsche Mark Schilling
It's rather chilling
But nothing new
It's dead to me baby
You're dead to me
It's been dead
Dead as disco
Although disco did have a slight resurgence at some point
But we're not going to
Well maybe once we might fuck at a party
When we're both drunk
But that's not going to mean anything to me
Still consider us dead
Even while I'm fucking you
I'm going to consider you dead
I'm fucking a dead you
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8. |
Petrified Forest
06:38
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Well, lately I’ve been doing a lot of live shows
So I like to do monologues
Not unlike the Petrified Forest
But yes unlike it because I prefer to do stories that have more of a punchline at the end
Or actually funny
Where the Petrified Forest story isn’t really funny at all
In fact it’s kind of sad
In a good way though
Petrified forest
Petrified forest...
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9. |
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I was born on the darkest day of the year
Which means I was born on the longest night of the year
To a little girl who didn’t want me and a daddy who dissapeared
Well I burn so bright that the night doesn’t stand a chance
Yes, I burn so bright that the night doesn’t have a chance
I’m gonna walk in that courtroom and you know I’m gonna drop my pants
You’ll see I’m so well hung that it will fill your heart with fear
Yeah I’m so well hung it shall fill that judges heart with fear
But it’s so damned pretty it can turn a straight boy queer
Well you say I’m gay but I’m so much more than that
Yeah you may say that I’m gay but I’m so much more than that
Lock up your mama and lock up your sister and lock up your grandma and her cat
Mroowr
‘Cause I’m Doctor Dick and I got my rubber gloves on
Your looking at Doctor Dick and I’m pulling my rubber gloves on
Step into my centrifuge and I’ll spin you ‘til the dawn
(then I’m gone, spin it bitch)
SOLO
I was born on the darkest day of the year
Yes I was born on the shortest day of the year
It’s a long cold night and that’s the only thing I fear
Yes it’s a long dark night so come on over here
It’s a long cold night so come on over here
Come on baby.
Come on.
Gotchya
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10. |
Fountain Of Youth
02:34
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I am poking windmills like a drunk conquistador
Whose this nice caucasian dragging my ass oput the door
My auto’s at full throttle leaving Barney’s Beanery
Ignored instructions on the bottle ‘bout heavy machinery
I’ve got a reputation for being uncouth
But my final destination will be the fountain of youth
Once I knew a grip he died from eating pigs
Should’ve stayed a hippie sucking bark and twigs
So jog your little hearst out do yoga till you drop
Ask your guru for a hand out, he’ll take your lollipop
If she could take the pain away she would wave hert wand and poof
Edna St. Vincent Malay drowning in the fountain of youth
Looking at your face should I stay or should I go
You’re staring off in space how the hell am i to know
I’ve lost all my grace I can’t fight your undertow
Here I go
Crush a thousand ants to fill a drop or bottle full
Now there’s fire in my pants to heat up my testicles
All the signs are pointing to that box covered in dirt
You can live forever but you know it’s going to hurt
When they made the pudding they forgot to add the proof
That’s why we really shouldn’t be looking for the fountain of youth
The fountain of youth
The fountain of youth
The fountain of youth
The fountain of youth
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11. |
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There’s a hush in the crowd as I put on my nose
Step into the light, trip over my toes
Drenched in fake blood and crockadile tears
Someone please tell me when my check clears
I’m never happy so I go with the flow
Keeping an eye on the undertow
I wish these waxen wings would take me far away
From this luxurious lockdown I’m inside
Can’t they see I’m just the sad little angel clown who, that cries
I skin my knees when I fall out of cars
Why did my boyfriend steel my guitars
What do they want, what do they need
This is my life but I don’t play the lead
No one will know if I don’t go
As long as I make it to the after show
I wish these waxen wings would take me far away
From this charismatic malcontent who lies
Can’t they see I’m just the sad little angel clown who, that cries
That cries, that cries, that cries
Can’t they see I’m just the sad little angel clown who, that cries
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12. |
Dip Your Cock In Vodka
02:18
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My grandfather in his heyday
Slept with all the dancers on a cot backstage
And when the show was over, you know what he’d do
He’d dip his wick in vodka when he was through
Dip your wick in vodka, when you are through
Dip your wick in vodka, that’s what you should do
Dip your wick in vodka, to prevent the dick flu
Dip your wick in vodka, now that’s a can do
When my mother taught me the birds and the bees
She said the clap will kill you son, it’s a painful disease
So don’t go down like Gaughan or Al Capone
Dip your wick in vodka, or don’t bring it home
Dip your wick in vodka, oo, ow
Dip your wick in vodka, it’s gonna sting down south
Dip your wick in vodka, oo, wee
Dip your wick in vodka, if it burns when you pee
Wadka...
Those old Russians were the first to distill
That crystal clear elixir that would become medicinil
But no iron curtain comrad will protect your junk
You’d better dip your wick in vodka so it won’t grow that funk
Now let’s say you’re on business trip
And you sleep with a gal who you suspect has the drip
Grab a mini Absolut from the mini fridge
And dip your mini wick in vodka and be rid of that bitch
Dip your wick in vodka, that’s what you should do
Dip your wick in vodka, when you are through
Dip your wick in vodka, to prevent the dick flu
Dip your wick in vodka, now that’s a can do
Dip your wick in vodka, oo, ow
Dip your wick in vodka, it’s gonna sting down south
Dip your wick in vodka, oo, wee
Dip your wick in vodka, if it burns when you pee
==========ALTERNATE LYRICS============
my mother taught me the birds and the bees
she said the clap'll kill ya son, it's a painful disease
so don't go down like gaughan or al capone
you better dip your sock in vodka, or don't bring it home
dip your sock in vodka, when you're through
dip your sock in vodka, that's what you should do
dip your sock in vodka to prevent the sick flu
dip your sock in vodka, that's a can-do!
those old russians were the first to distill
that crystal clear elyxir that would become medicinal
but no iron curtain, comrade, can protect your junk
you better dip your sock in vodka so it won't get that funk
now, let's say you're on a business trip
and you sleep with a gal who you suspect has the drip
grab a mini bottle from the mini fridge
and dip your mini sock in vodka and be rid of that bitch
dip your sock in vodka, ooooo, oooowwww
dip your sock in vodka, it's gonna sting down south
dip your sock in vodka, ooooo, eeeeeeee
dip your sock in vodka, if it burns when you pee
(change)
i wake up each morning with a jimmy in my hand
knowing i'll be next to you, i want to be your man
you walk around on legs made out of tight-rolled benjamins
pretty, money, pretty, money, pretty-pretty, money-money
diamond covered shins
i don't want no drama
please be my golden-glittered-gammy sugar mama
danke, ivanka
for letting me put my hand on your kneecap
thank ya, ivanka
for making me feel like a heterosexual man.
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13. |
I’m In Hell
02:04
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Thank you all for your concern
I’m sure you mean me well
But please don’t ask me how I am, come on buddy
Can’t you tell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
Every single place I go
They look at me so strange
What the heck do they expect
I’m never gonna change
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
My life is so damn easy
With all these tricks and bends
Everybody’s trying to fix me
So here’s a round for all my friends
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m in hell
I’m watching myself on TV
The host is such a drag
He takes the same old shots at me
He must be on the rag
He’s in hell
I’m in hell
We’re in hell
You’re in hell
I’m in hell
He’s in hell
You’re in hell
We’re in hell
I’m in hell
We’re in hell
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14. |
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hey willie can you polish this turd
It is the dumbest sounding song that you ever done heard
Sing it sing it but most of all bring it
If you get some on your finger, you'd better finger fling it
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