Leave a message after the tone Wait a minute, this is not a phone This is not a phone Message or comment on my Myspace With a pretty picture, of your pretty face Your pretty pretty face I won’t write you back ‘cuse I’m way too busy I’ll have someone else do that and they’ll make you think it is me Don’t get offended or make a sad face What do you expect this is just my Effing space And I hate it But do please leave a message After the tone And don’t forget your phone number I lost my cell phone I dropped it In your mother’s (bleep)

Hang out with me some people say You might end up dead or worse gay But I push semi-hard to get you to like me Now I'm in your bedroom on your TV And you can't turn me off or remote control that Do I turn you on, good luck with that Good luck with that, good luck with that It says more about you than it does about me If I threaten your precious sexuality A straight line is quick from point B to point A But with a curve in your dick you could go either way Now we're in the restroom publicly and you want me to do it Jorge Michaely, Jorge Michaely George Michael wee! What does it look like? Looks like a pen light Without the light shining out of the tip Now that we're done and you go back to your wife I'll let you run from my strange life Do you blow dry your hands or use the rotating towel Where ever it lands they're going to call a foul You can go to the moon but you better come back Before it waxes or wanes into a butt crack Good luck with that, good luck butt with crack What does it look like? Looks like a pen light Without the light shining out of the tip

I’m a 40 year old man haven’t had a date in a year and a half but my new girlfriend is a college freshman. So hey baby ou do the math She’s wise beyond her 18 years and some say that I’m quite young for my age So I would say we meet somewhere in the middle Probably somewhere between 27 and 28.  I stay in her dorm I moniter her halls And if she ever needs a note written to her professor I whip out my big old ball point pen I call her my Peppermint Patty She calls me her big dorm daddy. And when she does I say… ANDY SPOKEN: Baby, please don’t call me that. It creeps me out   I told her she looks like Molly The girl from The Breakfast Club She said, “I can’t wait to meet your friend Molly and does your breakfast group serve blueberry pancakes ‘cause I love ‘em. And I said oh yeah they sure do with syrup and butter to spare and you know what baby I think thatone day we’re gonna cross that bridge as if that generation gap wasn’t there.   I call her Peppermint Patty She calls me her big dorm daddy. And when she does I say… ANDY SPOKEN: Baby, what’d I tell you about calling me that? GIRL: You said don’t ANDY: So why do you keep doing it? Are you pushing my buttons? GIRL: It’s a compliment. ANDY: In what way GIRL: I love my daddy ANDY: Well that’s what I don’t like about it. I don’t want to be compared to your daddy. GIRL: But you’re not. He’s a little younger... ANDY: Oh, oh, you know what... GIRL: And he’s... ANDY: Let’s just dance baby. Let’s waltz. GIRL: Who’s Walt ANDY: No dance GIRL: Like the bunny hop ANDY: No. Honey I wasn’t born in the 50’s. Damn you.   You don’t have school and I certainly ain’ts gots no class. So let’s say we go back up to your dorm room So I can study your astrophysics   I call her Peppermint Patty She calls me her big cuddly dorm daddy. And when she does I say… ANDY: Baby, you got to shut the fuck up with that shit. GIRL: Poo. ALTERNATE ENDING: ANDY: Baby, you got to shut the ‘f’ up with that crap GIRL: OK.

Look at me With my long hair Look at me Don't stare, don't stare Look at me With my big boots Look at me Run away from me I am so good looking it kills me I have long nails and breathe that is minty I have very little hair on my body I want to do to you things that are naughty Look at me With my green eyes Look at me You're all spies You're spies Look at me With my skinny little neck Look at me Gregory Peck Greg Peck I gyrate, I vibrate, I concentrate, I masticate, I'm irate, I fascinate, I menstruate I am so good looking it kills me I have long arms and thights that are meaty I have very little rhinoplasty I want to do to you things that are nasty Look at me With my tatoos Look at me King of the Jews Le Chaim Those crazy Jews Look at me With my loose lips Look at me I'll sink your ships You're fucking ships The big lake they call Gitche Gumee Look at me...

It’s another great day for drugs The sun is shining bright So pass the bong And let’s all get high It’s another great day for drugs It’s raining hard outside So pour the bee Aand pass the bong And let’s all get high It’s another great day for drugs My girlfriend’s cat just died So eat some ‘shrooms And pour the beer And pass the bong And let’s all get high It’s another great day for drugs The cops keep driving by So snort a line And eat some ‘shrooms And pour the beer And pass the bong And let’s all get high It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs Loving you is very nice But not as nice as drugs Loving you is very nice But not as nice as drugs It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs It’s another great day for drugs I think I’m going to die So pop a lude And mainline blow And do some meth And lick a toad And snort a line And eat some ‘shrooms And pour the beer And pass the bong And let’s all just die

As I stand here alone What you see is my own And I think every inch is divine You may find it quite crude That I stand in the nude On the corner of Sunset and Vine It’s an indelible fact When I air out my crack And my member waves in the wind Through snow sleet and hail Or a blustery gale It helps keep my thingy thick skinned I like when the air blows through my hair, down there [You know what I’m talking about] Oh what’s the purpose of clothes Nobody knows To appear more fancy less fat Be happy with skin It’s what we’re born in And if you want to dress up wear a hat I like when the air blows through my hair, And if you should stare I really don’t care ‘Cuz I like when the air blows through my hair, down there That’s right, down there… There’s a dog barking, thanks I don’t have any clothes on You got all your clothes on Are you saying you like my music? Are you saying you don’t like my music? Well eff you bitch! Calling a dog a bitch That’s legal Down there.. Andy Dick mouth-raped me It was a really bad scene Lies!

If you loved me at all you would kill it I can't take it any more If you cared for me you'd do it We've been down this road before Champaign and cake and tangerines Will never be enough I have no need of fancy things I'm not some powder puff Have a black and tan if that won't do Have a blood and sand and see it through If you loved me at all you would show it The ebb and flowing strains my heart How many times must I tell you I am the queen of brand new starts My Sprawling lawn is like a world Of tiny thin green trees No one need know what lies below Keep that twixt you and me Have a black and tan if that won't do Have a blood and sand and see it through It's over baby We're through, you're through, it's through... It's dead, do you hear me Dead as a door nail Dead as a church mouse Well, dead as a dead church mouse It's dead in the water baby Take it out back and shoot it 'cuz it's dead Have a black and tan if that won't do Have a blood and sand and see it through If you loved me at all you would kill it How you do it is up to you Whether quiet or loud Deutsche Mark Schilling It's rather chilling But nothing new It's dead to me baby You're dead to me It's been dead Dead as disco Although disco did have a slight resurgence at some point But we're not going to Well maybe once we might fuck at a party When we're both drunk But that's not going to mean anything to me Still consider us dead Even while I'm fucking you I'm going to consider you dead I'm fucking a dead you

Well, lately I’ve been doing a lot of live shows So I like to do monologues Not unlike the Petrified Forest But yes unlike it because I prefer to do stories that have more of a punchline at the end Or actually funny Where the Petrified Forest story isn’t really funny at all In fact it’s kind of sad In a good way though Petrified forest Petrified forest...

I was born on the darkest day of the year Which means I was born on the longest night of the year To a little girl who didn’t want me and a daddy who dissapeared Well I burn so bright that the night doesn’t stand a chance Yes, I burn so bright that the night doesn’t have a chance I’m gonna walk in that courtroom and you know I’m gonna drop my pants You’ll see I’m so well hung that it will fill your heart with fear Yeah I’m so well hung it shall fill that judges heart with fear But it’s so damned pretty it can turn a straight boy queer Well you say I’m gay but I’m so much more than that Yeah you may say that I’m gay but I’m so much more than that Lock up your mama and lock up your sister and lock up your grandma and her cat Mroowr ‘Cause I’m Doctor Dick and I got my rubber gloves on Your looking at Doctor Dick and I’m pulling my rubber gloves on Step into my centrifuge and I’ll spin you ‘til the dawn (then I’m gone, spin it bitch) SOLO I was born on the darkest day of the year Yes I was born on the shortest day of the year It’s a long cold night and that’s the only thing I fear Yes it’s a long dark night so come on over here It’s a long cold night so come on over here Come on baby. Come on. Gotchya

I am poking windmills like a drunk conquistador Whose this nice caucasian dragging my ass oput the door My auto’s at full throttle leaving Barney’s Beanery Ignored instructions on the bottle ‘bout heavy machinery I’ve got a reputation for being uncouth But my final destination will be the fountain of youth Once I knew a grip he died from eating pigs Should’ve stayed a hippie sucking bark and twigs So jog your little hearst out do yoga till you drop Ask your guru for a hand out, he’ll take your lollipop If she could take the pain away she would wave hert wand and poof Edna St. Vincent Malay drowning in the fountain of youth Looking at your face should I stay or should I go You’re staring off in space how the hell am i to know I’ve lost all my grace I can’t fight your undertow Here I go Crush a thousand ants to fill a drop or bottle full Now there’s fire in my pants to heat up my testicles All the signs are pointing to that box covered in dirt You can live forever but you know it’s going to hurt When they made the pudding they forgot to add the proof That’s why we really shouldn’t be looking for the fountain of youth The fountain of youth The fountain of youth The fountain of youth The fountain of youth

There’s a hush in the crowd as I put on my nose Step into the light, trip over my toes Drenched in fake blood and crockadile tears Someone please tell me when my check clears I’m never happy so I go with the flow Keeping an eye on the undertow I wish these waxen wings would take me far away From this luxurious lockdown I’m inside Can’t they see I’m just the sad little angel clown who, that cries I skin my knees when I fall out of cars Why did my boyfriend steel my guitars What do they want, what do they need This is my life but I don’t play the lead No one will know if I don’t go As long as I make it to the after show I wish these waxen wings would take me far away From this charismatic malcontent who lies Can’t they see I’m just the sad little angel clown who, that cries That cries, that cries, that cries Can’t they see I’m just the sad little angel clown who, that cries

My grandfather in his heyday Slept with all the dancers on a cot backstage And when the show was over, you know what he’d do He’d dip his wick in vodka when he was through Dip your wick in vodka, when you are through Dip your wick in vodka, that’s what you should do Dip your wick in vodka, to prevent the dick flu Dip your wick in vodka, now that’s a can do When my mother taught me the birds and the bees She said the clap will kill you son, it’s a painful disease So don’t go down like Gaughan or Al Capone Dip your wick in vodka, or don’t bring it home Dip your wick in vodka, oo, ow Dip your wick in vodka, it’s gonna sting down south Dip your wick in vodka, oo, wee Dip your wick in vodka, if it burns when you pee Wadka... Those old Russians were the first to distill That crystal clear elixir that would become medicinil But no iron curtain comrad will protect your junk You’d better dip your wick in vodka so it won’t grow that funk Now let’s say you’re on business trip And you sleep with a gal who you suspect has the drip Grab a mini Absolut from the mini fridge And dip your mini wick in vodka and be rid of that bitch Dip your wick in vodka, that’s what you should do Dip your wick in vodka, when you are through Dip your wick in vodka, to prevent the dick flu Dip your wick in vodka, now that’s a can do Dip your wick in vodka, oo, ow Dip your wick in vodka, it’s gonna sting down south Dip your wick in vodka, oo, wee Dip your wick in vodka, if it burns when you pee ==========ALTERNATE LYRICS============ my mother taught me the birds and the bees she said the clap'll kill ya son, it's a painful disease so don't go down like gaughan or al capone you better dip your sock in vodka, or don't bring it home dip your sock in vodka, when you're through dip your sock in vodka, that's what you should do dip your sock in vodka to prevent the sick flu dip your sock in vodka, that's a can-do! those old russians were the first to distill that crystal clear elyxir that would become medicinal but no iron curtain, comrade, can protect your junk you better dip your sock in vodka so it won't get that funk now, let's say you're on a business trip and you sleep with a gal who you suspect has the drip grab a mini bottle from the mini fridge and dip your mini sock in vodka and be rid of that bitch dip your sock in vodka, ooooo, oooowwww dip your sock in vodka, it's gonna sting down south dip your sock in vodka, ooooo, eeeeeeee dip your sock in vodka, if it burns when you pee (change) i wake up each morning with a jimmy in my hand knowing i'll be next to you, i want to be your man you walk around on legs made out of tight-rolled benjamins pretty, money, pretty, money, pretty-pretty, money-money diamond covered shins i don't want no drama please be my golden-glittered-gammy sugar mama danke, ivanka for letting me put my hand on your kneecap thank ya, ivanka for making me feel like a heterosexual man.

Thank you all for your concern I’m sure you mean me well But please don’t ask me how I am, come on buddy Can’t you tell I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell Every single place I go They look at me so strange What the heck do they expect I’m never gonna change I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell My life is so damn easy With all these tricks and bends Everybody’s trying to fix me So here’s a round for all my friends I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m in hell I’m watching myself on TV The host is such a drag He takes the same old shots at me He must be on the rag He’s in hell I’m in hell We’re in hell You’re in hell I’m in hell He’s in hell You’re in hell We’re in hell I’m in hell We’re in hell

hey willie can you polish this turd It is the dumbest sounding song that you ever done heard Sing it sing it but most of all bring it If you get some on your finger, you'd better finger fling it